"According to research, at least three types of children exist: those who are secure in their relationship with their parents, those who are anxious-resistant, and those who are anxious-avoidant. Finally, she demonstrated that these individual differences were correlated with infant-parent interactions in the home during the first year of life."
Read the research here: http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm
This way of relating to oneself and the world (a caretaker) will be the same when the child grows into an adult, expect that there is a chance of healing.
Read the research here: http://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm
This way of relating to oneself and the world (a caretaker) will be the same when the child grows into an adult, expect that there is a chance of healing.
Adult Attachment Style
Hazan and Shaver noted that the relationship between infants and caregivers and the relationship between adult romantic partners share the following features:
- both feel safe when the other is nearby and responsive
- both engage in close, intimate, bodily contact
- both feel insecure when the other is inaccessible
- both share discoveries with one another
- both play with one another's facial features and exhibit a mutual fascination and preoccupation with one another
- both engage in "baby talk"
Attachment Style
When you take the quiz at the Personal Development School, which takes only a few minutes, and you will find out your prominent style which was created in early childhood and then became your way of relating to yourself and others as an adult:
https://attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com
But first, what is attachment? Attachment is the bond we form with our first primary caregiver, usually a parent. It’s a universal human phenomenon that starts as early as in the womb, and the way we develop it eventually affects the way we find, keep, and end relationships.
There are four major styles of attachment that people form early in life and generally tend to keep into adulthood. These styles are:
- Secure
- Dismissive-avoidant
- Anxious-preoccupied
- Fearful-avoidant (a.k.a., disorganized)
Read examples in this article of relationships established in a tv-show portraying the attachment styles:
"When a person has a secure attachment style, they feel confident in their relationship and their partner. They feel connected, trusting, and comfortable with having independence and letting their partner have independence even as they openly express love. They reach out for support when they need it and offer support when their partner is distressed.
And this is where Lily and Marshall excel. Their relationship wasn’t all puppies and rainbows for all nine seasons of How I Met Your Mother. There were times when they broke up, had family tragedies, worried about building their own family, and had awful fights that seemed to shake the very foundation of their future together. But through it all, they fundamentally trusted each other, openly showed affection (sometimes enough to make you gag), told each other their thoughts and feelings even when it was difficult, offered support when the other was sad and gave each other space when needed.
This type of attachment style starts when, early in life, a child feels that their parent is a secure base, so that even though they’re happy to be with Mom or Dad, they also feel confident enough to explore the world on their own. Kids grow up this way when their parents themselves are securely attached people, and when they use an authoritative parenting style, meaning they are involved and firm, but also warm and allow independence."
source: https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/which-of-these-four-attachment-styles-is-yours/
Family estrangement:
ADULT CHILDREN MOSTLY CUT OFF PARENTS BECAUSE OF ABUSE, ONGOING TOXIC BEHAVIORS, OR FEELING UNACCEPTED OR UNSUPPORTEDOn the other hand, adult children usually had different reasons for cutting off their parents, including:
One participant in the study poignantly said, “The cumulative pain because of the past never went away, never was reconciled, never was discussed, never was apologized for, never acknowledged, nothing. I hoped I could let it go, but it never went away.”
- Abuse, including emotional, physical, and sexual abuse in childhood
- Ongoing toxic behaviors, including anger, cruelty, disrespect, and hurtfulness
- Feeling unaccepted/unsupported, including about their life choices, relationships, disability status, and other things important in their life
One participant in the study poignantly said, “The cumulative pain because of the past never went away, never was reconciled, never was discussed, never was apologized for, never acknowledged, nothing. I hoped I could let it go, but it never went away.”
Parenting Style
The four Baumrind parenting styles have distinct names and characteristics:
"What Is My Parenting Style? Four Types of Parenting
One of the interesting things about being a parent is that there is great variation in how we raise our children. At the same time, there are many commonalities from one parent to another. In fact, there is enough similarity that researchers have tried to group parents into four common parenting styles.
Your parenting style refers to the combination of strategies that you use to raise your children. The work of Diane Baumrind in the 1960s created one commonly-referenced categorization of parenting styles. The four Baumrind parenting styles have distinct names and characteristics:
Baumrind Parenting Styles: Four Types of ParentingAuthoritarian ParentingAuthoritarian parents are often thought of as disciplinarians.
Permissive ParentingPermissive or Indulgent parents mostly let their children do what they want, and offer limited guidance or direction. They are more like friends than parents.
Uninvolved ParentingUninvolved parents give children a lot of freedom and generally stay out of their way. Some parents may make a conscious decision to parent in this way, while others are less interested in parenting or unsure of what to do.
Authoritative ParentingAuthoritative parents are reasonable and nurturing, and set high, clear expectations. Children with parents who demonstrate this style tend to be self-disciplined and think for themselves. This style is thought to be most beneficial to children.
What is My Parenting Style?Few of us fit neatly into one single parenting style, but rather raise children using a combination of styles. Think of the four styles as a continuum instead of four distinct ways to parent. Ideally, we think about our children and what they need from us at specific points in time. For example, while a parent might not typically adopt an authoritarian parenting style, there might be times in a child’s life when that style is needed. Or you might know an authoritarian parent who is nurturing, contrary to the description above.
Factors in How Children "Turn Out"While it is easier for the family when both parents practice the same style of parenting, some research shows that if at least one parent is authoritative, that is better for the child than having two parents with the same, less effective style.And of course, there are more influences on who children become than just parenting style. Some of the many other factors impacting a child’s development include these elements:
Today, new names for parenting styles are arising. For example, “helicopter parenting” is similar to the authoritative style, but with a little more involvement, or some might say over-involvement, in a child’s life. “Free range parenting” resembles the uninvolved style, but with a conscious decision to allow more independent thinking that is in the best interest of the child.
Reflecting on where you fit on the spectrum of parenting styles can be helpful. Taking that one step further: know that any of us with any style at any point in time could benefit from the self-reflection that typically comes from participating in a parenting class. Talking with other parents and a facilitator can be helpful and reassuring.
More on Parenting Styles
Source: https://www.brighthorizons.com/family-resources/parenting-style-four-types-of-parenting
- Authoritarian or Disciplinarian.
- Permissive or Indulgent.
- Uninvolved.
- Authoritative.
"What Is My Parenting Style? Four Types of Parenting
One of the interesting things about being a parent is that there is great variation in how we raise our children. At the same time, there are many commonalities from one parent to another. In fact, there is enough similarity that researchers have tried to group parents into four common parenting styles.
Your parenting style refers to the combination of strategies that you use to raise your children. The work of Diane Baumrind in the 1960s created one commonly-referenced categorization of parenting styles. The four Baumrind parenting styles have distinct names and characteristics:
- Authoritarian or Disciplinarian
- Permissive or Indulgent
- Uninvolved
- Authoritative
Baumrind Parenting Styles: Four Types of ParentingAuthoritarian ParentingAuthoritarian parents are often thought of as disciplinarians.
- They use a strict discipline style with little negotiation possible. Punishment is common.
- Communication is mostly one way: from parent to child. Rules usually are not explained.
- Parents with this style are typically less nurturing.
- Expectations are high with limited flexibility.
Permissive ParentingPermissive or Indulgent parents mostly let their children do what they want, and offer limited guidance or direction. They are more like friends than parents.
- Their discipline style is the opposite of strict. They have limited or no rules and mostly let children figure problems out on their own.
- Communication is open but these parents let children decide for themselves rather than giving direction.
- Parents in this category tend to be warm and nurturing.
- Expectations are typically minimal or not set by these parents.
Uninvolved ParentingUninvolved parents give children a lot of freedom and generally stay out of their way. Some parents may make a conscious decision to parent in this way, while others are less interested in parenting or unsure of what to do.
- No particular discipline style is utilized. An uninvolved parent lets a child mostly do what he wants, probably out of a lack of information or caring.
- Communication is limited.
- This group of parents offers little nurturing.
- There are few or no expectations of children.
Authoritative ParentingAuthoritative parents are reasonable and nurturing, and set high, clear expectations. Children with parents who demonstrate this style tend to be self-disciplined and think for themselves. This style is thought to be most beneficial to children.
- Disciplinary rules are clear and the reasons behind them are explained.
- Communication is frequent and appropriate to the child’s level of understanding.
- Authoritative parents are nurturing.
- Expectations and goals are high but stated clearly. Children may have input into goals.
What is My Parenting Style?Few of us fit neatly into one single parenting style, but rather raise children using a combination of styles. Think of the four styles as a continuum instead of four distinct ways to parent. Ideally, we think about our children and what they need from us at specific points in time. For example, while a parent might not typically adopt an authoritarian parenting style, there might be times in a child’s life when that style is needed. Or you might know an authoritarian parent who is nurturing, contrary to the description above.
Factors in How Children "Turn Out"While it is easier for the family when both parents practice the same style of parenting, some research shows that if at least one parent is authoritative, that is better for the child than having two parents with the same, less effective style.And of course, there are more influences on who children become than just parenting style. Some of the many other factors impacting a child’s development include these elements:
- The child’s temperament and how it “fits” with the parents.
- A teachers’ style of working with children and the match of teaching style to parenting style.
- The influence of a child’s peer group.
Today, new names for parenting styles are arising. For example, “helicopter parenting” is similar to the authoritative style, but with a little more involvement, or some might say over-involvement, in a child’s life. “Free range parenting” resembles the uninvolved style, but with a conscious decision to allow more independent thinking that is in the best interest of the child.
Reflecting on where you fit on the spectrum of parenting styles can be helpful. Taking that one step further: know that any of us with any style at any point in time could benefit from the self-reflection that typically comes from participating in a parenting class. Talking with other parents and a facilitator can be helpful and reassuring.
More on Parenting Styles
- As parents, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to do basically everything, all the time, every single day. Exhausted? We know the feeling. Watch this webinar to get tips on how to manage advice overload and learn ways to effectively use your time to truly enjoy what matters to you and your family most.
- Changes in parenting styles from generations past have given men more options for responding to obligations as fathers, husbands or partners. Here are some tips for being an engaged and loving father in today’s world.
- Slow parenting, or the conscious effort to stop racing around and to be present in each precious moment with your child, is a growing challenge in our increasingly busy lives. Read more about one mom’s desire to thrive in the slow parenting movement.
- While we as parents can only do our best for our children every day, it doesn’t mean we don’t experience our fair share of parental guilt from time to time. We’ve compiled some tips to help guide you through the guilt in your parenting journey."
Source: https://www.brighthorizons.com/family-resources/parenting-style-four-types-of-parenting
How to create the attached, secure baby/child/adult:
The 8 steps:
Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and ParentingBecome emotionally and physically prepared for pregnancy and birth. Research available options for healthcare providers and birthing environments, and become informed about routine newborn care. Continuously educate yourself about developmental stages of childhood, setting realistic expectations and remaining flexible.
Feed with Love and Respect
Breastfeeding is the optimal way to satisfy an infant's nutritional and emotional needs. "Bottle Nursing" adapts breastfeeding behaviors to bottle-feeding to help initiate a secure attachment. Follow the feeding cues for both infants and children, encouraging them to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Offer healthy food choices and model healthy eating behavior.
Respond with Sensitivity
Build the foundation of trust and empathy beginning in infancy. Tune in to what your child is communicating to you, then respond consistently and appropriately. Babies cannot be expected to self-soothe, they need calm, loving, empathetic parents to help them learn to regulate their emotions. Respond sensitively to a child who is hurting or expressing strong emotion, and share in their joy.
Use Nurturing Touch
Touch meets a baby's needs for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement. Skin-to-skin contact is especially effective, such as during breastfeeding, bathing, or massage. Carrying or babywearing also meets this need while on the go. Hugs, snuggling, back rubs, massage, and physical play help meet this need in older children.
Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
Babies and children have needs at night just as they do during the day; from hunger, loneliness, and fear, to feeling too hot or too cold. They rely on parents to soothe them and help them regulate their intense emotions. Sleep training techniques can have detrimental physiological and psychological effects. Safe co-sleeping has benefits to both babies and parents.
Provide Consistent and Loving Care
Babies and young children have an intense need for the physical presence of a consistent, loving, responsive caregiver: ideally a parent. If it becomes necessary, choose an alternate caregiver who has formed a bond with the child and who cares for him in a way that strengthens the attachment relationship. Keep schedules flexible, and minimize stress and fear during short separations.
Practice Positive Discipline
Positive discipline helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others. Discipline that is empathetic, loving, and respectful strengthens the connection between parent and child. Rather than reacting to behavior, discover the needs leading to the behavior. Communicate and craft solutions together while keeping everyone's dignity intact.
Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life
It is easier to be emotionally responsive when you feel in balance. Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don't be afraid to say "no". Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself.
Source: How to : https://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/api
Prepare for Pregnancy, Birth, and ParentingBecome emotionally and physically prepared for pregnancy and birth. Research available options for healthcare providers and birthing environments, and become informed about routine newborn care. Continuously educate yourself about developmental stages of childhood, setting realistic expectations and remaining flexible.
Feed with Love and Respect
Breastfeeding is the optimal way to satisfy an infant's nutritional and emotional needs. "Bottle Nursing" adapts breastfeeding behaviors to bottle-feeding to help initiate a secure attachment. Follow the feeding cues for both infants and children, encouraging them to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Offer healthy food choices and model healthy eating behavior.
Respond with Sensitivity
Build the foundation of trust and empathy beginning in infancy. Tune in to what your child is communicating to you, then respond consistently and appropriately. Babies cannot be expected to self-soothe, they need calm, loving, empathetic parents to help them learn to regulate their emotions. Respond sensitively to a child who is hurting or expressing strong emotion, and share in their joy.
Use Nurturing Touch
Touch meets a baby's needs for physical contact, affection, security, stimulation, and movement. Skin-to-skin contact is especially effective, such as during breastfeeding, bathing, or massage. Carrying or babywearing also meets this need while on the go. Hugs, snuggling, back rubs, massage, and physical play help meet this need in older children.
Ensure Safe Sleep, Physically and Emotionally
Babies and children have needs at night just as they do during the day; from hunger, loneliness, and fear, to feeling too hot or too cold. They rely on parents to soothe them and help them regulate their intense emotions. Sleep training techniques can have detrimental physiological and psychological effects. Safe co-sleeping has benefits to both babies and parents.
Provide Consistent and Loving Care
Babies and young children have an intense need for the physical presence of a consistent, loving, responsive caregiver: ideally a parent. If it becomes necessary, choose an alternate caregiver who has formed a bond with the child and who cares for him in a way that strengthens the attachment relationship. Keep schedules flexible, and minimize stress and fear during short separations.
Practice Positive Discipline
Positive discipline helps a child develop a conscience guided by his own internal discipline and compassion for others. Discipline that is empathetic, loving, and respectful strengthens the connection between parent and child. Rather than reacting to behavior, discover the needs leading to the behavior. Communicate and craft solutions together while keeping everyone's dignity intact.
Strive for Balance in Your Personal and Family Life
It is easier to be emotionally responsive when you feel in balance. Create a support network, set realistic goals, put people before things, and don't be afraid to say "no". Recognize individual needs within the family and meet them to the greatest extent possible without compromising your physical and emotional health. Be creative, have fun with parenting, and take time to care for yourself.
Source: How to : https://www.attachmentparenting.org/principles/api